What am I doing here?

I have this idea in my head that a first post should be in some way special. Establish myself, make a point, create a ‘hook’.

But here’s the thing: I’m tired. And I’m kind of here because I’m tired.

Not in any particularly unique way. Just in the way we all get, if we give a damn on any level.

I’m tired of knowing. I’m tired of hearing the voices that are saying the smallest, most mundane things and recognizing the layers of sexist, racist, classist, heterosexist, essentialist, entitled cultural baggage underlying the whole deal. I’m tired of not being able to dismiss any of that as no big deal, of being aware of how the smallest of elements are the ones that reveal the pervasive roots of the system.

I’m tired of being in conversations where I know I need to challenge something and not even knowing where to start. I’m tired of the dichotomy between preaching to the choir and talking to a brick wall.

It’s tough not to come off as superior in one of these kinds of posts (and I strongly suspect I’m failing in this case). I’m not trying to present my ideas and perceptions as infallible, and I’m absolutely willing to engage the notion that I’m misrepresenting the specifics of what’s wrong with the world and how to address it. But I’m burnt out on conversations with those who say there is no problem, or haven’t begun to genuinely interrogate the issue.

The word ‘saint’, as it’s used in the bible, doesn’t suggest the level of perfection or virtue that the words current connotations hold, but rather just a follower of Christ. It’s been said (though I couldn’t find an original source) that “Saints are the sinners who go on trying”.

And believing that that might be true gives me something. So I’m here. Again.

Trying to go on trying.

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One thought on “What am I doing here?

  1. BetaCandy says:

    Oh, yeah. I get so tired of “knowing” sometimes, too. And you can’t exactly “just not think about it” for a while. I don’t know if you sounded superior or not because I was too busy agreeing. 😉

    I added you to my feedreader.

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