Disproportionately Large Emotions from Search Terms that Lead to my Blog

This is potentially the most interesting search term that has ever come up as having led someone to my blog:

do abusers not want to be alone

Man, that sentence causes me pain. I only write indirectly about the experience of violence and abuse, and now my struggle is almost entirely based on escaping from the mental patterns that result from having been abused in the past, not about actually getting away from an abusive partner or family member. I think I’m struggling, I think I have a lot of cognitive traps from which I still need to escape (and obviously, I do), but that sentence smacks me in the face with a denial-force that I can’t even imagine feeling at this point.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I hear someone who desperately wants to understand an abuser, either because s/he is in an abusive relationship s/he can’t figure out how to leave/has just left and is struggling with emotionally, or cares about someone who is going through that very process. I hear someone looking for answers to why abuse happens and how someone can hurt another person so goddamn badly and what the hell might be going through that abuser’s head, because the abuser just seems so completely not human and that’s not a tolerable thought for someone who is. Human, I mean.

Again, maybe I’m reading too much into that search term. But I know people who are thinking those things, and that just reminded me of it, which in turn made me really, really sad.

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2 thoughts on “Disproportionately Large Emotions from Search Terms that Lead to my Blog

  1. BetaCandy says:

    It’s a question too well thought-through for us not to be tempted to read something into it. I get the same sense you do.

    And just in case that person is reading this, I’d say abusers can’t stand to be alone because that might reveal to them how much they hate themselves. It sounds trite, but as far as I can tell from my experience, they really do hate themselves and the person they abuse is just a substitute self to hurt. Not that this helps a person dealing with one.

  2. purtek says:

    Thanks Betacandy–I should have been less introspective myself in response to such a search term.

    I think you’re right about the substitute self to hurt, in a lot of ways that are far from trite. I also think not wanting to be alone is something that many humans struggle with, and that in many cases it connects to self-hate as well–being alone means you’re in your own company, which can be an unbearable feeling if you’re not happy with the nature of that company. And a vicious cycle begins…

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