Natalia Antonova has performed for us the truly arduous task of wading through misogyny in Russian just so we can all appreciate this brilliant piece of analysis highlighting one of the many, many problems with celebrating International Women’s Day:
Women are given flowers, and the givers know well that a flower is a plant’s genital organ, opening up to be fertilized. A flower is a symbol of tempting lust. This is actually why having little flowers on your balconies is a sin, an innocent-seeming bouquet is an honest symbol of orgiastic sin, of group sex, and any interest or delight one might take in flowers is therefore sinful.
Seriously, the givers all know this? Why was I not let in on the fact that I’ve actually, unwittingly been enabling an orgy every time I’ve accepted flowers as a gift? This certainly explains the way my mind keeps drifting onto the fact that my apartment has been depressingly barren of flora lately…I mean, sure, if I had known this earlier, I would have had to cast all those auspicious, flower-carrying suitors from my stoop with an appropriately godly “Back, creature of Satan!”, but I’m sure it would have been okay if I’d kept the flowers themselves, right?
All I’m saying is I’ve been missing out on a *lot* of orgies that have apparently been going on all over my kitchen table over the years. And I don’t think that’s very fair. At least this explains why women are naturally so inclined to garden – it seemed like it was a good, gender essentialist thing to do, when in reality, it was foreplay.